I miss you so much little brother.

It's been two years now...

from Oct. 7th, 2007 | 03:41 pm

before this past week i had never lost anyone who was especially close to me. i've never experienced that sense of emptiness. i've never seen someone every single day, given them a hug every morning, told them i loved them all of the time...to have them just be gone. it's surreal. just two days ago he came up to me in the library, we hugged, said i love you, and he walked away. it's horrible when you think back to the last time you see sometime- you never think that it may be the very last time you will ever see them. all last weekend i'd been half expecting him to walk through the door and say i'm here, i'm just joking. i feel so sick. i feel angry at god, i feel angry at the world. kendall was such a special person because he truly affected every person he met. why him? if you knew him for a lifetime, or for a minute, you fell in love with him. and he is gone, but what we have to do now is remember the kindness that every single person who met him experienced. all of the funny, happy memories. that positive, beautiful energy he had about him. his blue, blue eyes and that shy smile. his stuttering when i first met him so many years ago. the packages and letters, late night talks in the living room, making us listen to shakira 'hips don't lie' one million times. twilight runs on the track, talking about his crushes and me giving big-sister advice. talking about hank's and my wedding and how excited he was to be a part of it, to stand up for us. shows at his house. vegan dinners together. listening to stay gold on repeat. all the things he would draw for us. him laughing so hard whenever i would run up front to sing along to their in my eyes cover. there was just so much laughing and so much love. it's been wonderful watching him grow up over the years to be so independent. it hurts now to know this void is here, and it will never be the same. i will never see him again. we will never have these times again. god. but still, no matter what, he was the little one, perpetually 15 years old and will always be smiling in my mind.