a snapshot of my feelings, 2005

I've been going through my old livejournal and I've been coming across so, so many interesting posts. I am going to share a few here whenever I remember to do so, and I'm not sure if these will be terribly interesting to you, but they are to me. It's neat that I kept a livejournal for so many years. I have almost everyday of my life documented from 1999-2008 and it's such a gift to be able to look at myself with such clarity. I can read all about my college experience, my time after graduation, every step that led me to Hank, every detail of moving into that relationship, and how it all unfolded. It's amazing. Here's a little something I wrote when I first starting falling in love with Hank, my then-boyfriend, back in 2005. I sound so young, but I was young, and it's crazy to think that at this point I would have had no idea what our life would ended up being like.

i love him so much that it hurts sometimes when i feel like no matter what i do he will never fully grasp the full depth of my feelings. we discuss this often, and he feels the same, and then we agree that that is one beautiful aspect of being so in love, one aspect is that your emotions for this other person are so deep you can never show them the entire span, nor can you even fully grasp the love as a tangible thing. the fumbling dance we do to show love here, there, to hold it between our hands and up to each other in a look look here it is, that is beautiful. every single failure before him now seems only like a step here or there to lead me right to him. every morning when i look look at myself to know how i am feeling on that particular day, i am often able to see myself through his eyes. and when doing so, i can feel warm and soft and beautiful, because through him i am all of these things, and i am everything that i want to be, have been, and will be. when i can crawl up close to his tired body late at night, when i can curl up on his lap in the afternoon, i feel the energy from his body that meets with mine. it is the feeling of waking up at four in the morning, frantically reaching for him, and finding him next to me, curled up with me, tangled up with me. it is the feeling of coming home after a horrible day, and taking one step in the room, into his comfort and love, and he knows. i still want to know all of his dreams and his hopes and his wishes. true love is still alive, it does exist. i feel so lucky to have found the boy i will marry someday, and i feel so fortunate to have found a boy who loves me and every single one of my blindingly obvious flaws, and he holds me and them all up in one bundle, and soothes us to sleep, every night of our life.