Sweet 16...a letter to my younger self

Today quite a few of my friends tweeted things to their 16 year old self using the hashtag "#tweetyour16yroldself," and I found this to be incredibly interesting and also pretty thought provoking. Hindsight always seems to be 20/20, and the older I get the more "if I knew then what I know now" seems to apply to everything I've been through.

I was quite the wild-child in high school, so any advice I'd extend to my 16-year old self would have to include something along the lines of "you are not invincible," and "slow down, you're still a baby!" I love all of the experiences I've had in my life, but in my later teen years I do feel like I made some "interesting" decisions...luckily they never affected me in a negative way, and for this I consider myself lucky. I occasionally used to look back with regret, thinking about this or that, but when it comes down to it, every single thing I went through or experienced absolutely made me into the person I am today, as overdone as that line is. But I really believe it.

So, to my 16-year old self, I say this:

You are a wonderful, beautiful person just the way you are. You don't need to feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone, you don't need to feel like you have to live up to anyone's expectations. Like any teenager, you will spend the next few years trying to figure out who you are, and I promise you, at 16 you are not that person yet. Be kind to your parents, they are only trying to protect you and worry about you because they love you. Your Mom will be your best friend in the upcoming years, as hard as that is to picture when you're a temperamental teenager. Remember that you are the company you keep, and although you never get mixed up in the wrong crowd, you will dabble here and there unnecessarily. Stick to the friends you've had forever. The boyfriend you will have at 16 isn't love, so think about that before you convince yourself he's perfect for you. Remember that no one else can define your worth but yourself. You were right to trust your instinct those times that seem so important (they were), so keep doing that. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Time will go by so quickly and these years will be a distant memory before you know it. Cherish the time you spend with your father, as he teaches you to drive stick shift in the blue Passat, up and down McDowell Road. Later on you'll think back fondly on those seemingly stressful lessons. And speaking of the Passat, remember to take the emergency brake OFF. This will be an issue numerous times, including the evening you and your girlfriends decide to drive it to a desert party, leaving it on all evening. Trust me. Don't forget to tell your sister you love her; it's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life and during these years she needs you now more than ever. Be there for her. Don't ditch Math class so much- bad grades in trigonometry will come back to haunt you in college and you will have to take remedial Math courses to make up for the deficiency. Save yourself the pain! Oh, and if you "happen" to hit a gas pump while driving out of the station, don't just leave! Be a good person and go in and talk to the attendant. This will avoid a huge headache later. Try to work on loving yourself, and pay attention to this one: you are not fat! Looking back now it's laughable to think that you, my little 115 pound 16-year old self ever thought she could lose some weight. Don't let Mom get rid of her vintage Frye boots, and don't throw away your collection of Sassy magazines. Don't pierce your belly button. Twelve years later the hole will still be there, and it will be itchy and annoying when you are pregnant with your first child. And on the topic of your first child: you WILL find love some day. I know it's hard being so young and feeling like you want to feel wanted and loved and part of something...but nothing you find at this age will be worth anything. Wait. Go slow. You are smart to not want to get tied down to anyone so young, and you will meet your other half in due time. He will be better than anything you could ever dream up. I promise. Life will be good to you, you just need to trust in that and try and slow down. And finally, this: believe in yourself. If I can impart any bit of wisdom that I've learned over the past decade, it is that. Give yourself more credit, because you are so fabulously wonderful in all of your teenage naivety. It's a beautiful thing to not know what's next, to not understand this wide, wide world, and that's exactly where you are. Everything will turn out okay. You will cry, you will laugh, you will lose friends and feel like you want to die. You will be depressed. You will be happy. You will have your heart broken, and you will break hearts. You are going to go to college, join a sorority, travel with your best girlfriends, and find adventure. You'll go to grad school. You will meet the love of your life, become a teacher, get married, and have a baby. I know it sounds like a distant fable at this point, but trust me, it only gets better. You think that 16 is great? Try 28. Just hang on, go slow, and breathe. You only get to do it once, and looking back on everything, that ride seems way too short. Above all else, stay positive, stay happy. And have fun!

So yes, that's what I would say to my 16-year old self. How about you? If you decide to write yourself a letter, link back here in the comments if you'd like to share; I'd love to read it! Have the best night, and happy letter-writing if you decide to do it! xoxo

Happy Friday!

Isn't this a good reminder? Sometimes I feel that the older I get, the more I lose a bit of my sweetness, my niceness towards others. It's easy to get jaded and start to distrust people- it's simple to become bitter after disappointments come and go, after things don't go as planned. But the world is beautiful. I really believe this. And I think it's so important to remember this, and to hold onto your goodness, and any bit of kindness you have. It's worth a reminder for myself, and maybe for you too. If you look around, and remove yourself from the everyday noise, the daily routines and to-dos, the heres and theres, if you step back and just look at the world and take a deep breath, I think we could all find a lot more beauty in our everyday lives.

I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day!

*I also received an anonymous comment on this post that I deleted. Anonymous person, I don't need to have my readers "defend" me, or even deal with someone who gets so worked up. If you'd like to talk EMAIL me instead of leaving an annoying comment. If you think my life and happiness are so fake, that I talk too much about the things I have, etc. etc. stop coming back here to read what I write. It's my blog and you are coming here by choice. And hello, who asks me for money advice except the repeated questions via formspring (hence me deleting that site)? That's all I'll say. There's no need for me to leave up such a negative comment and have this post turn into ridiculousness- me trying to justify myself (I've already said too much) and comments from people doing the same. I'll just leave it at this: go away.

Thoughts...on thinking.

I think a lot. I know that's a weird statement to make, but sometimes I think I think too much (see, there I go thinking again...about thinking). But really, my mind is always going, and I'm always pondering this or that, here or there. I have not only a wild imagination but in the past I've also tended to worry more than necessary, which is not always the best combination. I'm incredibly introspective and I often think about strange, morbid things. Why I don't know, but I've been this way my entire life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how happy I am. I feel very, very blessed in my life. More than anything, I'm grateful for this love I have with my husband. I couldn't imagine anything better in my life, and as silly as it sounds, Hank is really and honestly my dream come true. I think we have a very special kind of love, and I feel so fortunate to experience it. With that said, if I think too much about being happy, I start to think about what a precarious perch happiness is. There's a Death Cab song that says "And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time." This couldn't be more true. It's crazy to think that every single day is a silent little hope that we make it to the end. It makes me think about one of my closest friends, my "little brother," who passed away a few years ago unexpectedly right around this time. I had seen him earlier that day, and I was able to give him a hug and tell him I loved him. I didn't know it would be the last time I'd ever see him, and that our plans for the next evening would never happen.

This kind of thing terrifies me. After Kendall died I became obsessed with thinking that every time I saw someone I loved it might be the last time I ever saw them. There couldn't be a more true statement though, because that is really a true possibility. It's scary and upsetting and I hate thinking about it. I don't know. I get into these emotional moods where I just start thinking and thinking about loss and how quickly everything good in my life could be gone. Does anyone else do this? It's a weird, weird thing that I don't do often but when I'm feeling emotional it's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad.

I think though, that with happiness this fear comes hand in hand. Of course when things are wonderful, there is the chance it could disappear. But what does this mean?

To me, when I feel this way, and I get over feeling down for those moments, I am reminded to love so hard, and live as much as I can. It is indeed true that everything we love can be gone in a moment, but isn't that just the way it goes? Life has a tragic frailty to it, and if we live our lives in a bubble of fear, if we go about our business with this in the back of our minds at all times, how can we enjoy the beautiful moments? If we fill our head with worry, how will there be any room for joy? Over the past couple of years I've taught myself to take the fears and negative thoughts I have and spin them into positive ones. It's not easy, but when I start to feel upset, or start to get those familiar doomsday thoughts, I remind myself that I feel that way because I am in fact happy. To have good, there must be bad. Happiness does not exist without the other side of the coin existing as well.

I tell myself to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life makes no promises, whether we worry or not, and the sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can go through life with a light heart. I'm sure once my little one is born I will be filled with a new kind of fear. Life will soon be about Henry, and with that deep love that I can't even fathom at this point, comes that familiar reminder that life is fragile. And that moments are fleeting. And I know I am going to be so, so scared of all of the unknown for him. I'm scared now. I'm frightened about this huge responsibility of raising a life, protecting my son, and all of the things that will or won't happen. But dwelling in the what-ifs and the oh-nos will only take me away from the happy moments. So I remind myself: enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life is short, and we don't know what will happen tomorrow. But by focusing on the happiness I have today, and loving and living, and trying my best to make sense of this crazy world, I can regain some sense of balance.

Reminding myself to let go of the negativity isn't always easy, and some days it is downright impossible. But like anything it takes practice. You fall, you get up, you try again. I'm getting to a place where falls are rare, but I still have my skinned knees and bruised shins to prove where I've been. They fade with time, but luckily they are always there to remind me to keep going. Nowadays I allow sad times to push me back into happy ones, the down thoughts to remind me that up does, in fact, exist.

Above all else, life is beautiful. If we could predict every little thing about it, most of that beauty would be dulled. So I keep on going, keep on loving, keep on...keeping on. Reminding myself that all I can do is continue to strive for positivity, a light heart, and days full of love and laughter and peace...and I hope you'll join me. :)

The forks in the road...

Isn't it weird to think about all the other "lives" you could have led? I thought about this a little on the way home from Lake Powell today (vacation blog/photos later) and I got to thinking about all of the little points in my life where something changed, I made a big decision, or picked a fork in the road and left behind another.

Passing through Flagstaff today on our way home from the lake, I was reminded of so many memories that took place during my college years there. I went straight up to NAU in 2000, just a couple of months after graduating high school. I roomed with one of my close friends at the time and ended up being in the same dorm as some of my other good friends. I had gone to junior high and high school with one of the girls, and played club soccer with the other two for the same amount of time. When we began college we were all inseparable, and when I joined a sorority that first semester I widened my social circle and met my soon-to-be best friends, Autumn and Shirley. Sometimes I think about what a change Pi Phi made in my life. I often wonder if one of my girlfriends had rushed Pi Phi rather than Chi O as she did, if we would have remained close, and if I wouldn't have rushed at all, if I would have stayed close with that group of friends. But sure enough, I drifted apart from them as the next two years went by, and when sophomore year rolled around I had moved into my sorority's wing at Mountain View. There were many other things that went on that caused the degradation of my friendship with those three girls, but I do feel that making the choice to join a sorority (something they were not into), started the wheels in motion for the eventual disintegration of those friendships. So on our drive I thought about those old friends, I thought about meeting the two girls who became my sisters and closest friends, and still are. I thought about all the things I have gone through with Autumn and Shirley, all the things I may have never experienced had I not rushed Pi Phi. I thought about old boyfriends, and choices made in relation to them. In about 2003 I thought I was in "love" with a particular boyfriend of mine, and we ended up spending a tumultuous spring, summer and fall together, in the way that only two people can who are young with not a care in the world can, loving and fighting and fighting and loving. We were very different, and at the time I did feel I was in love, in retrospect absolutely not, but back then, it was a special time for me. Before we had met, he had already made the decision to move across the country to pursue an opportunity and I had known this going in. In the back of my mind I had thought I could somehow make him "want" to stay, but when he ended up actually leaving, I felt my heart was broken and could never be whole again. In my silly, naive mind, I thought he must be the one for me. So we tried to make it work, and it definitely did not work, whatsoever. I think back to that time, thinking how ridiculously I wanted to make something out of nothing, thinking about how I could have made a stupid move across the country for an idea that did not add up in real life, thinking about how different my life may have been. On my drive I thought about being at my friend's house, and this friend inviting me outside to meet his friend Hank, and me declining, sitting inside the cool air conditioning rather than going outside to meet this friend of his. I thought about the feeling I got that I needed to go outside, and deciding to go out and introduce myself for the first time, to this guy named Hank. I thought about wanting to teach in Japan, about how I was all set to go, and then I met this guy named Hank, and two days after meeting him and talking to him for both days nonstop, I had a feeling I just shouldn't go, and canceled my interview at the Japanese embassy in Los Angeles. I thought about how I was hired to work at a large financial firm, doing web editing, but found out I was accepted into grad school the day before my first day of work, and never showed up, electing to instead get my teaching degree. I thought about my crazy decision to move to Prescott after just dating Hank for 11 months, thought about choosing to go to Moorea instead of Greece for our honeymoon, and learning of the bombing at the Greek airport the day we should have arrived.

In life we have hundreds of choice that lead up to where we are. Hank and I often discuss if we would have met if circumstances hadn't led us to each other. I wonder if I would have met my two best friends, had I not made one important decision. All of the other lives I could have led: unhappy in Florida, a non-sorority girl at NAU, cold in the AC at my friends house and never having met Hank, teaching English to Japanese children, working at a financial firm, never moving to Prescott and living in Scottsdale with the girls, never becoming a teacher. Where would my life be, who would I have met? It's such an insane concept and quite interesting to ponder as you look back on defining moments in your life. I am definitely happy with every single choice I have made, and it is definitely reassuring that even those decisions I felt were horribly bad or heart breaking at the time, led me to where I am now; happy and right where I should be.

Goodnight

good morning sunday!, originally uploaded by daniellehampton.

This photo was from a few days ago but I have such a "hello" look on my face that I thought I'd post it ;). I am actually bored right now, which is weird for me. I have no desire to watch a movie, to read a book, or to really do much of anything so you, blog, are here to keep my thoughts company I guess. After taking a total "me" day today tomorrow will be a fun filled something or other type of day with Amber. I want to see The Proposal but the only other person I know who'd enjoy it with me would be my sister. I am such a sappy romantic and love love love movies like that, and so does she. Perhaps I could coerce A. into seeing it with me tomorrow afternoon but I'm not too sure she'd enjoy it.

Obviously in my solitude today I thought a lot, and I thought about how silly and petty so many things are. I have grown up a lot over the past year or so (I'm not too sure why my 26th year was the year of the most positive growth thus far, very weird), and I have really figured out a lot. Really, all that matters to me in life is my family. Hank first, and then my parents and sister, and my friends who are my family. I know a lot of people add their career in there, but the moment we have kids I feel my number one and most important job (the job I was made for!) is to be a mom at home. But back to the topic of friends, I used to be someone who had so many friends, I loved to be around so many people. But as I've gotten older, I have really narrowed down my list of close friends to a handful. Sure, I have tons of people I care about, but in terms of people I really "let in," those are few and far between. At this point in my life I'm so focused on making my life what I want it to be, really thinking about starting our family, I have no time for anyone who isn't a loving and positive addition to my life. So that takes care of so many people who don't fit into that criteria.

Lately I've really been feeling thankful for Hank- more so than I usually do, if that's even possible. If you know me, you know I am not the biggest fan of guys in general. I cannot stand egotistical jerks who can't show their emotions or creepy dudes or pushover dudes, or un-hygenic dudes...I'm really just not so into guys, seriously. Many of them really gross me out. I dated an awful lot in high school and college and kissed a million toads (and some nice guys too...haha) before I found my prince! I never knew someone could love me, imperfect me, so much. My mind is blown almost daily by how kind and loving Hank is. I see the way he is with Madeline and it melts my heart to know that someday soon he will be the same kind of father, accepting and loving, and never too proud to do or say anything.

Life's funny. It goes by so quickly and in a blink a year has passed, two years, and then somehow I'm officially in my late 20s. I'm married. I'm a teacher. And I literally still feel 17 most of the time. I think when I'm 80 I will still feel that way, and I hope I do. I try and look at everyday in a positive way, even when it's hard. This past year has been a true nightmare for my family, between all of the health problems and complications. But we're okay. And I'm okay! I think it takes a lot more energy for me to be upset than happy. The moment I start to stress I will get anxiety and worry myself sick over whatever it is. If I can avoid that, and just look on the bright side, that's the battle for me. Instead of choosing to be upset, I can choose to be happy and disregard the rest. I am lucky to have a really great support system around me who recognizes that sometimes it is a struggle for me, and does their best to support my choice to be happy. I know in the past, people have asked me, how are you so happy all of the time? Seriously though, I'm not always happy...but I am always working to be happy, and the road to happiness is a lot better place to be than anywhere negative. I've had my fair share of depression, and feeling down- my sister has seen a lot of that in my sometimes tumultuous teenage years- but growing out of that and into a strong, positive woman has been an amazing transformation for me. It's crazy to think about how much changes from the teens, to early 20s...to this. For the past five years it's been a wonderful shift in both my life and myself, and I really love where I'm headed, and where I am now. :)

If you've read this far, thanks for reading! Have a beautiful night!

new week

hank is out with his dad and just called to ask me if i wanted him to bring home any sushi! i am so starving and at the very moment i went to go make some toast i heard my phone ring. praise jesus. sushi is so much better than toast. so obviously we are back in prescott, i am sitting here on the couch about to watch the real world that i dvred last week. i've spent most of my time in the hospital with my dad the past week so i have a million shows to catch up on. and speaking of my dear dad, he is doing so well, out of intensive care and in a regular room. he should be home by saturday. this week will be a good one. hank and i will be moving, my dad is on the road to recovery, and i have a slew of packages arriving filled with various spring time goodies- dresses, shoes, and jewelery. i am counting down the moments until i can ride my bike all around town, wear dresses with no cardigan and tights, and go on morning runs without layer upon layer. prescott is beautiful year round, but the summers are quite amazing. our new home is right downtown by the square and i am so glad to be living back down there. this is our last move before we buy, and i am excited to save our money (we'll be saving almost $800 a month at our new place!). we are going from a 3 story, 3 bed, 4 bath modern townhome to a 1 bed, 1 bath victorian (built in 1909). the only reason we ever moved into this large place was because we lived with one of hank's friends, but when he got back together with his girlfriend he moved out, leaving his with a huge rent payment and way too much space. i am really looking forward to turning in these keys and being done here. our new place is so charming. even though it is a one bedroom, the rooms are quite big, open and airy. i hate moving, but love that we are getting out of here! right now i am going to put away some new clothing i got this weekend when hank took me shopping and then get ready to eat some delicious sushi. then food shopping and bed. i'm excited to welcome in a new week.