Dashboard

 

This past Thursday Hank and I went to see an old favorite of ours, Dashboard Confessional.  It was the Swiss Army Romance's 10-year Anniversary tour, and Chris played the entire album from beginning to end, along with other favorites. I saw this same show, ten years prior, upon the original record's release, and it was incredibly moving to think back to that time in my life, and then think of where I am now. I was 18; so wonderfully naive, so young, so unsure of what life had in store for me. I had just graduated high school and was about to embark on my college adventures, moving up to the dorms to start that chapter of my life. Back then I related to those emotional Dashboard songs on so many levels, and hearing them again live brought back so many memories, emotions, and things I had forgotten and tucked away over the years.  I met Hank seven years ago, and because we were in a long distance relationship for that first year, and he was on tour with his band so frequently, so many of DC's songs rang true yet again during that time period. I can still remember driving up to visit Hank for the very first time, getting butterflies in my stomach as Hands Down played on the stereo. Music and emotion are powerful things when combined, and throughout the entire show last week I found myself tearing up a bit.  How was I to know, on that long drive up the mountain, that I was going to visit my future husband? The song then, and the song now. Me then, and me now. Us then, us now. It made me feel so happy, my heart so full, to think about the then and now, and to be able to remember a time before all of this, to remember the very beginning. And as the music drifted across the Marquee Theater, I closed my eyes for just a second, and I was in my car again, driving straight into my future.

Sweet 16...a letter to my younger self

Today quite a few of my friends tweeted things to their 16 year old self using the hashtag "#tweetyour16yroldself," and I found this to be incredibly interesting and also pretty thought provoking. Hindsight always seems to be 20/20, and the older I get the more "if I knew then what I know now" seems to apply to everything I've been through.

I was quite the wild-child in high school, so any advice I'd extend to my 16-year old self would have to include something along the lines of "you are not invincible," and "slow down, you're still a baby!" I love all of the experiences I've had in my life, but in my later teen years I do feel like I made some "interesting" decisions...luckily they never affected me in a negative way, and for this I consider myself lucky. I occasionally used to look back with regret, thinking about this or that, but when it comes down to it, every single thing I went through or experienced absolutely made me into the person I am today, as overdone as that line is. But I really believe it.

So, to my 16-year old self, I say this:

You are a wonderful, beautiful person just the way you are. You don't need to feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone, you don't need to feel like you have to live up to anyone's expectations. Like any teenager, you will spend the next few years trying to figure out who you are, and I promise you, at 16 you are not that person yet. Be kind to your parents, they are only trying to protect you and worry about you because they love you. Your Mom will be your best friend in the upcoming years, as hard as that is to picture when you're a temperamental teenager. Remember that you are the company you keep, and although you never get mixed up in the wrong crowd, you will dabble here and there unnecessarily. Stick to the friends you've had forever. The boyfriend you will have at 16 isn't love, so think about that before you convince yourself he's perfect for you. Remember that no one else can define your worth but yourself. You were right to trust your instinct those times that seem so important (they were), so keep doing that. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Time will go by so quickly and these years will be a distant memory before you know it. Cherish the time you spend with your father, as he teaches you to drive stick shift in the blue Passat, up and down McDowell Road. Later on you'll think back fondly on those seemingly stressful lessons. And speaking of the Passat, remember to take the emergency brake OFF. This will be an issue numerous times, including the evening you and your girlfriends decide to drive it to a desert party, leaving it on all evening. Trust me. Don't forget to tell your sister you love her; it's so easy to get wrapped up in your own life and during these years she needs you now more than ever. Be there for her. Don't ditch Math class so much- bad grades in trigonometry will come back to haunt you in college and you will have to take remedial Math courses to make up for the deficiency. Save yourself the pain! Oh, and if you "happen" to hit a gas pump while driving out of the station, don't just leave! Be a good person and go in and talk to the attendant. This will avoid a huge headache later. Try to work on loving yourself, and pay attention to this one: you are not fat! Looking back now it's laughable to think that you, my little 115 pound 16-year old self ever thought she could lose some weight. Don't let Mom get rid of her vintage Frye boots, and don't throw away your collection of Sassy magazines. Don't pierce your belly button. Twelve years later the hole will still be there, and it will be itchy and annoying when you are pregnant with your first child. And on the topic of your first child: you WILL find love some day. I know it's hard being so young and feeling like you want to feel wanted and loved and part of something...but nothing you find at this age will be worth anything. Wait. Go slow. You are smart to not want to get tied down to anyone so young, and you will meet your other half in due time. He will be better than anything you could ever dream up. I promise. Life will be good to you, you just need to trust in that and try and slow down. And finally, this: believe in yourself. If I can impart any bit of wisdom that I've learned over the past decade, it is that. Give yourself more credit, because you are so fabulously wonderful in all of your teenage naivety. It's a beautiful thing to not know what's next, to not understand this wide, wide world, and that's exactly where you are. Everything will turn out okay. You will cry, you will laugh, you will lose friends and feel like you want to die. You will be depressed. You will be happy. You will have your heart broken, and you will break hearts. You are going to go to college, join a sorority, travel with your best girlfriends, and find adventure. You'll go to grad school. You will meet the love of your life, become a teacher, get married, and have a baby. I know it sounds like a distant fable at this point, but trust me, it only gets better. You think that 16 is great? Try 28. Just hang on, go slow, and breathe. You only get to do it once, and looking back on everything, that ride seems way too short. Above all else, stay positive, stay happy. And have fun!

So yes, that's what I would say to my 16-year old self. How about you? If you decide to write yourself a letter, link back here in the comments if you'd like to share; I'd love to read it! Have the best night, and happy letter-writing if you decide to do it! xoxo

Thoughts...on thinking.

I think a lot. I know that's a weird statement to make, but sometimes I think I think too much (see, there I go thinking again...about thinking). But really, my mind is always going, and I'm always pondering this or that, here or there. I have not only a wild imagination but in the past I've also tended to worry more than necessary, which is not always the best combination. I'm incredibly introspective and I often think about strange, morbid things. Why I don't know, but I've been this way my entire life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how happy I am. I feel very, very blessed in my life. More than anything, I'm grateful for this love I have with my husband. I couldn't imagine anything better in my life, and as silly as it sounds, Hank is really and honestly my dream come true. I think we have a very special kind of love, and I feel so fortunate to experience it. With that said, if I think too much about being happy, I start to think about what a precarious perch happiness is. There's a Death Cab song that says "And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time." This couldn't be more true. It's crazy to think that every single day is a silent little hope that we make it to the end. It makes me think about one of my closest friends, my "little brother," who passed away a few years ago unexpectedly right around this time. I had seen him earlier that day, and I was able to give him a hug and tell him I loved him. I didn't know it would be the last time I'd ever see him, and that our plans for the next evening would never happen.

This kind of thing terrifies me. After Kendall died I became obsessed with thinking that every time I saw someone I loved it might be the last time I ever saw them. There couldn't be a more true statement though, because that is really a true possibility. It's scary and upsetting and I hate thinking about it. I don't know. I get into these emotional moods where I just start thinking and thinking about loss and how quickly everything good in my life could be gone. Does anyone else do this? It's a weird, weird thing that I don't do often but when I'm feeling emotional it's thoughts like these that make me feel so sad.

I think though, that with happiness this fear comes hand in hand. Of course when things are wonderful, there is the chance it could disappear. But what does this mean?

To me, when I feel this way, and I get over feeling down for those moments, I am reminded to love so hard, and live as much as I can. It is indeed true that everything we love can be gone in a moment, but isn't that just the way it goes? Life has a tragic frailty to it, and if we live our lives in a bubble of fear, if we go about our business with this in the back of our minds at all times, how can we enjoy the beautiful moments? If we fill our head with worry, how will there be any room for joy? Over the past couple of years I've taught myself to take the fears and negative thoughts I have and spin them into positive ones. It's not easy, but when I start to feel upset, or start to get those familiar doomsday thoughts, I remind myself that I feel that way because I am in fact happy. To have good, there must be bad. Happiness does not exist without the other side of the coin existing as well.

I tell myself to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life makes no promises, whether we worry or not, and the sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can go through life with a light heart. I'm sure once my little one is born I will be filled with a new kind of fear. Life will soon be about Henry, and with that deep love that I can't even fathom at this point, comes that familiar reminder that life is fragile. And that moments are fleeting. And I know I am going to be so, so scared of all of the unknown for him. I'm scared now. I'm frightened about this huge responsibility of raising a life, protecting my son, and all of the things that will or won't happen. But dwelling in the what-ifs and the oh-nos will only take me away from the happy moments. So I remind myself: enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Life is short, and we don't know what will happen tomorrow. But by focusing on the happiness I have today, and loving and living, and trying my best to make sense of this crazy world, I can regain some sense of balance.

Reminding myself to let go of the negativity isn't always easy, and some days it is downright impossible. But like anything it takes practice. You fall, you get up, you try again. I'm getting to a place where falls are rare, but I still have my skinned knees and bruised shins to prove where I've been. They fade with time, but luckily they are always there to remind me to keep going. Nowadays I allow sad times to push me back into happy ones, the down thoughts to remind me that up does, in fact, exist.

Above all else, life is beautiful. If we could predict every little thing about it, most of that beauty would be dulled. So I keep on going, keep on loving, keep on...keeping on. Reminding myself that all I can do is continue to strive for positivity, a light heart, and days full of love and laughter and peace...and I hope you'll join me. :)

10 things I've learned in my 20s, Part 2

Here is the second part to my "10 things I've learned in my 20s" post. You can view part one by clicking here. And don't forget to leave a link in the comments if you make a list of your own; I'd love to read it. This was so fun to write, and it was definitely an introspective, self-growth kind of process. Thanks again for reading!

Just to recap- and again, see part one for the full write up- here are my first five lessons:

1) Never let anyone else make you feel bad about your choices.
2) Get into the habit of working out.
3) Don't be flaky.
4) Do not, do not, do not change yourself to suit a guy.
5) Not everyone will like you.

and the final five...

6) Don't rush. I can't tell you how many times over my teenage and college years I would be thinking of what's next, what's coming in the horizon, what I could look forward to. Looking back, I feel like I always had my mind on the next milestone, plan, weekend, etc. and although I do feel this kind of thinking can be great...I think if you're too caught up in the "next" thing, you're bound to miss a lot. I remember when Hank and I first moved in with each other, in 2005. We rented the tiniest little apartment right downtown. I've mentioned it before, but it was basically a studio, but had a small, closet-like space that fit only a twin bed, with room for nothing else. I can remember in the beginning of that experience I kept talking about our next place, the next thing...and I can remember Hank saying to me, "Just take this in NOW, this is the beginning of us, and we will never be able to go back to these days again." That reminder was all I needed to be more present, and I cherished every single day we spent building the beginning of our life together, twin bed and all. It became our tiny little love nest, and we both look back so fondly on that adorable little apartment every time we walk or drive by it while downtown. I'm lucky I have someone who is so in tune with the important things in life because I would have been so sad had I missed all of it, hoping for the next thing to come along too quickly. And I think that can be applied to anything in life. I'm so happy I followed this advice, and slowly took in the many stages my life has had since that realization- falling in love, getting engaged, moving into different places, planning a wedding and getting married, many trips with my girlfriends and family, milestones for my loved ones, the process of buying our first home, and being pregnant. I feel like I've been so present for each thing, and I am beyond thankful for that.

7) Every single day is a choice to be either positive or negative. This has taken me the longest of all of my lessons to master, but luckily I am pretty much there. There were so many times over the past ten years or so when I would almost choose to be in a bad mood. I knew exactly what I was doing, made the conscious effort to just "give in" to feeling like shit, and instead of trying to cheer myself up I would just fall deeper into negativity. The older I got the more I realized that I control quite a bit in my little world- and although I can't control other people, I can control my reactions to them, in in turn, my mood. I can wake up and decide to have an awesome day, or I can wake up and let little things annoy me and in turn have a bad day. It's all about that first decision.

8) It's okay to let go; people change. Over the past decade of my life I've had lots of friends- high school friends, friends from different places I've worked, college, etc. It's hard when you've been friends with someone for a long time, and then life goes on, and you move on...and the friendship isn't what it once was. It can cause a lot of grief and upset feelings when friends drift apart, but I strongly believe that this is a natural thing that happens and it's best to just let things be as they will be. That's not to say to stop making an effort and let that fall to the wayside, but more so in the case of the "natural drift" (I'm sure you know what I mean). There's a lot of people I care for deeply, but we just aren't as close as we used to be. There aren't hard feelings, there's no weirdness, it's just a mutual understanding that at this time in our lives our relationship has a bit of a different definition. It's funny because sometimes friends come into your life, and then out, and then sometimes they come back in. One of my closest friends, let's call her S., was my best friend for a long time, at the end of college and for years after. We drifted apart a bit, but after I got married we came back into great touch and although we don't talk all of the time, she is one of the most important people in my life and will be an Auntie to our son. I really believe that it's okay for this to happen with friends. I feel like we try to hold on a lot to "what was," or what a relationship used to be, but in reality, everything is always changing- people, circumstances, friendships...so it seems only natural that if two people don't change in the same way, things will shift. You can accept it, keep loving your friend, and know that in time everything works itself out just as it should. Everything has a season, and whether that season is for a year or a lifetime, it's okay.

9) It's not that big of a deal. Have you ever been through something terrible, and while it was going on you thought to yourself, "Oh my god, this is the WORST. How am I ever going to get through this?!" I'm sure you've had moments like that, I've had my fair share like I'm sure everyone has. This lesson is only learned after going through this horrible, bad thing, and coming out on the other side. I can think of so many instances that seemed like it was the end of the world for me. In my early twenties, I can think of some seemingly life-changing moments- breaking up with a boyfriend, having drama with a friend, getting into a fight with my parents, failing a "huge" test...and guess what? In the span of things, time goes by, and all of these instances that seemed so big and life altering are just bumps in the road, lessons to be learned, and memories, as your present becomes your past. It's good to live in the moment and to feel those emotions, but always keep in the back of your mind that you've been there before, and you'll be there again...this too shall pass. Thinking this helps me see the big picture when I think that things just can't get worse, or when I feel down in the dumps. For every up there is a down, and vice versa. It's just the way it goes. Accepting this, and knowing that it WILL get better is key.

10) Don't let anyone else's definition of happiness/success/life make you question your own definition of those things. This is the last lesson on my list, and I think it's the most powerful lesson of all that I've learned. Similar to my number one lesson, but still different in its own right. No matter what you do in life, no matter who you surround yourself with, there is always going to be someone who doesn't understand why you choose to do what you do, why you've chosen a certain career, partner, passion, or life path (hell, you can even add to that list outfit, tattoo, or sandwich at lunch!). Sometimes these people can be your parents, your friends, or even someone you don't know at all. Maybe you're a musician who has a dream of touring around the country in a van, with four of your best friends. Maybe you want to be an artist, but your parents think you should be a doctor. Maybe you are happy working, and college isn't for you. Or maybe you want to GO to college, but your friends think that's lame. Who knows. But someone will always have an opinion and someone will always NOT understand how on earth you could be HAPPY doing what you're doing. That's because they are imposing their definition of happiness onto you, even though you are totally different people with totally different goals and hopes and dreams. Even at this point in my life, when old classmates or friends find out that I won't be "using" my Bachelor's and Master's degree and will instead be staying home to raise and take care of my family, they are shocked. They don't "get" how I could be happy doing that. And they don't get it because again, it goes against THEIR idea of happiness. Hank traveled in and out of the country right out of high school with his band Life in Pictures, and a lot of his family didn't get it. When I started dating Hank and he was gone for months at a time, and some of my friends didn't get it. They were appalled that he could "leave me like that," but again, they could never really get it because they have different ideas of what happiness is. Believe me when I tell you that if you worry about what ANYONE thinks when you are making big life decisions, you will never be happy. You can't go to law school to please a parent, and you shouldn't not join the Peace Corps, start a small business, or fall in love with who you love just to please another person. How are you supposed to live an entire life (hello, you only get one!) for someone else? You have to follow your idea and definition of success and I guarantee you will find happiness in whatever that may be. Granted, the journey of actually finding your happiness is another topic for another day, but following your heart is a good start. ;)

I also thought I'd include 10 "smaller" things that I've learned along the way -

1) People really are the company they keep.
2) If someone talks shit about everyone, it's pretty probable they talk shit about you too.
3) Negativity is contagious.
4) Follow your gut, it's usually right.
5) Mean girls are just sad, insecure girls. Don't let them affect you.
6) Stop comparing yourself to others. There will always be someone smarter, prettier, luckier, etc.
7) Quality over quantity is a good rule for most everything.
8) It's NEVER too late to make a change in your life.
9) The grass isn't always greener.
10) Do wild and crazy things/take spontaneous trips/fall in love a million times while you're young, you'll be in a different place in your life before you know it, and all of these things either a) won't seem appealing or b) won't be possible. And experiencing a multitude of these things are important things to learn from and to be able to look back on as you build your life in your late twenties and thirties.

10 things I've learned in my 20s, Part 1

I've been thinking a lot about life lately. Normally I'm quite the thinker anyway, but most recently I've been musing over the past years of my life, taking inventory of the great people in it, and contemplating a lot of different things. Perhaps it's a symptom of pregnancy, although I'd say it's most likely from the overall huge change I'm about to go through. With all of these thoughts milling around in my head, I started to think about all the things I've learned while on this wild ride of my 20s. I think it's safe to say that this decade has included some of the most defining years of my life. I'm not quite done with it yet- I won't turn 30 for another two years, but I'd say that being 28 and looking back is quite the trip. With that said, I'd love to share the top 10 things I've learned (so far). And I invite YOU to make a list on your blog, and link back here. It's such a good exercise to evaluate where you've been; I think that's the only way to see where you're going. So, without further adieu, here is the first part of things I've learned during these life-changing years, some big and some small. I'll publish the second installment one week from today.

1) Never let anyone else make you feel bad about your choices. Throughout both my college years and afterward, I've never really been one to go along with the crowd, even though I've often surrounded myself with those who are more middle of the road people- nothing too extreme, nothing too "out there." And that's not a bad thing at all- I'd consider some of my closest friends to be like that, but throughout my life, especially in my 20s, I've made choices that don't always follow the normal grain of what "everyone else was doing." I've done all sorts of things that people haven't understood. When I was vegan right out of college many of my friends and even my family thought it was very strange. I found myself defending my choices more often than not, and I would often let it get to me. When I decided to get tattooed it was a huge issue, not only with some of my family, but some of my old friends. They didn't understand, or would pretend to, but call me their "tattooed friend," which to me was more offensive and annoying than anything else. Some of them are still this way and it is incredibly irritating, but at this point I couldn't care less what anyone thinks about it. Back then I DID care though, and I would get uncomfortable when we'd go on girl's trips, being the odd one out amidst my completely untattooed sorority sisters. It took me a long time to realize that people questioned decisions I made that went against the norm because it made them uncomfortable. It really had nothing to do with me, but it was more so about themselves, and their judgments. I had to let go of not only worrying about what people thought, but also accepting that judgmental people will never, ever change. And because I will never be a "normal" person who always does the easy thing, who takes the safe or quiet route simply to fit in, I will never fit into these kind of people's lives. I don't need to let them affect me. I don't need to let their uncomfortableness with my choices bother me. That's giving them too much power. So I simply choose to not allow people like that into my life. Lesson learned.

2) Get into the habit of working out. This is something I already knew, and always had done, both from being around my athletic parents, and also being a competitive athlete myself. It was ingrained in my from day one that activity equals happiness, whether it be dance or sports or just getting outside and taking a walk. And because I already know this and have always done this, I feel extra qualified and to say that this is something I have learned to be true even more, from seeing others NOT do it. I'm telling you, it only gets harder the older you get. It's not even about losing weight- it's about building a healthy body for your later years; making sure you have strong bones that age well, and a million other beneficial things for you mind, body, and spirit. If you aren't someone who was an athlete or who worked out when you were younger, it's never too late, but with every passing day you are losing one more day of getting healthy. I feel that fitness is one of the most important lessons I've learned throughout these years, because I've felt the positive effects of it. It's helped me with depression issues I've had, it's assisted my immune system in helping me rarely get sick, and it's given me confidence in my body. Unfortunately, I've also seen the negative side from older people I know who never worked out. As you get older you will start to feel those negative effects if you're not active, so I say why not get started in your 20s? Go for a walk, pop in a pilates dvd...do this for YOU. Build that healthy foundation for the rest of your life.

3) Don't be flaky. I used to be such a flaky teenager it was horrible. And I'm probably giving myself too much credit- I was the same way throughout my early 20s as well. The minute I would make plans I would start to feel just a little uncomfortable, and more often than not I would find myself breaking plans and finding something "better" to do, spur of the moment of course. I'm not sure why I hated feeling so tied down back then, because now I love and thrive on planning. But it was bad. I would flit from one friend to the next, constantly busy but never really committing. In high school, one of the year-end senior awards I received was "Social Butterfly" (another was "Party Animal" believe it or not but let's not even go there). In rose-colored hindsight I'd like to think it was because I was friends with everyone and was always happily getting along with many different groups (which I was), but it had more to do with the fact that I probably appeared to be a little butterfly because I hate-hated being too tied down to anything, person, plan or group! In my 20s I learned how rude it is to make and break plans, or to make new friends and then move on to a newer, "shinier" friend when the occasion arose. When I met my dear friends Autumn and Shirley, who are probably the most reliable people you'll ever know, I realized how great it is to be able to have friends you can always count on, and that's when things began to change. Sure, over the next few years I would revert back to being a bit flaky, but as time went on, I became more dependable, and around 21 or 22 I was someone you could count on. And this, I felt, was something to be proud of. Lo and behold, I met Hank right around that time and he was the most dependable guy I'd ever met, helping me become who I am today.

4) Do not, do not, do not change yourself to suit a guy. Oh goodness. I think we've all made this mistake before, but luckily I made them early enough that I learned my lesson in the early part of my 20s. I realized though, that if you are not yourself from the get-go, any hint of a charade that you put on will absolutely wear off, and where does that leave you? Who does that leave you with? I'll tell you who: with a guy who doesn't even know or like the real you, and you resenting yourself for not being yourself! If you aren't your true, authentic YOU from day one when dating, you cannot expect any relationship to ever work out. There were too many times when I was younger where I would date someone and slightly tone myself down a bit- maybe I'd dress a little more this way, or not do this or that...but it would be a slight variation of myself. UGH! What an embarrassing mistake. When I met Hank, I had already learned this lesson. The year before I had dated a guy for about 6 months and in a way, I think I "lost" myself. I didn't realize it until we broke up, but it had definitely happened. Before Hank even came into the picture I had already resolved to myself and to my girlfriends that that would never happen again. So with Hank I was my quirky, silly self from day one, and guess what? He loved the real me...and still does. ;)

5) Not everyone will like you. Oh, this is such an important lesson. And a hard one for me to swallow, but I've definitely learned it. It's important to understand that it is absolutely impossible for every single person to like you or enjoy your company. Just like some people rub you the wrong way, it can go the same way for others when they think of you. Like I said, this was a hard one for me to learn because I inherently want everyone to get along, and I of course want to be liked, like anyone else. It wasn't until I was out of college and into the "real world," that I experienced someone disliking me for no reason. I luckily had never experienced "mean girls" throughout my entire life, so this was something new to me. There was this particular girl, and she just hated me. She would call me fake, snobby, the list went on and on. She would talk about me to others, say things about me online. And the kicker was, I didn't even know her. It would baffle me to no end. Why was this acquaintance, this mutual friend of a friend, so enraptured with disliking me? I would try to be nice to her when I saw her, but to no avail. Finally I had to realize that wow, this sour, negative girl just doesn't like me. And IT'S OKAY. From there I realized that there were probably other people who really disliked me, and I began to accept that that that is just the way of the world. I also observed that the happier or more successful I became, the more that "those" type of people disliked me! I'm sure it's the same way with you, and it's often just the way it goes. Negative people exist. And that's okay. I just had to learn that they won't change, and being a people-pleaser is NOT good. In the end you have to do what is best for you. Trying to be liked, trying to play all sides of the field, this is not a good way to live your life. And bringing this into the present, since I've been blogging I've of course received various rude comments, both via this site and formspring. It doesn't bother me at all anymore, because I know that it's just the way it goes. Not everyone will like me, and that's quite alright. Definitely a good lesson to be learned.

So, those are the first five "things I've realized in my 20s," with 5 more to come in a week! Like I said above, I'd love for you to make your own list on your blog, and link us here in the comments. Maybe you're 20, 25, 35, etc. What have you learned so far in your life that you've found profound? It can be something small, something huge, or anything in between. I'd love to see your list, so feel free to share, and be sure to check back next week for the second part.

Have a great night everyone! So much love. xoxo

Body issues and pregnancy

image via weheartit

I've written before about my previous struggles with body issues, and I thought it was important to make a post here about my current thoughts on this topic while pregnant. I've gotten a lot of formspring questions and emails about it as well, so I thought it was good to finally discuss it. It's a touchy area to write about- it's actually quite scary for me to get this all out, because I know that it's easy to judge something you may not understand. It's also an issue that not many people may think about, or discuss during pregnancy, but for my friends and me, it's definitely been a topic of conversation.

Being pregnant is an amazing, amazing time. I love having this little darling baby inside of me, growing every single day. I luckily haven't had to deal with any sickness, and it's been pretty smooth sailing for me through the past four and a half months. My struggle in the beginning was more on the emotional side of things, and at the current place I'm in- not quite looking pregnant but not quite looking like myself- it's at time a little hard for me to accept this change. Luckily my emotions have totally evened out and I've been feeling good for the past couple of months, but occasionally negative feelings do come to the surface. know that we are very lucky to be pregnant, and to have an apparently healthy pregnancy thus far. And I love this. I love it so much, and body image/issues has nothing to do with my darling little one or my very anticipated baby bump.

Having suffered from body image issues in college, I know what it's like to have unhealthy thoughts and feel bad about yourself. In the past few years I've completely gotten over it, but even though I am 110% healthy now, thoughts always linger. It's weird being at a place where I'm not working out to stay at my weight or to stay in shape, I'm not trying to get bathing suit ready for summer...I'm trying to sustain this beautiful life inside of me. Exercise has a different meaning. And with that comes less working out, less intensity, and more emphasis on letting my body do its thing naturally. I know my body is redistributing weight, and on my best days, this is okay. Heck, even on my so-so days this is more than alright. But it's those days that creep up on everyone, the days when you just don't feel your best, is when I start to have those negative thoughts in my mind. It can be hard for me, as I typically feel awesome about my body and self. Not only is it a bummer for me to deal with these thoughts, I almost get down on myself for having them! I'm pregnant! Why on earth should I care that my face is rounder or my waist is widening during this special time?

And that is where my struggle lies. Because I'm so adamant about being honest and truthful here, and because I'm sure other women have gone through this, I had to share. I do realize that I just made a post about self-acceptance, and I have been taking my own advice...I just find it a little harder to do while pregnant. And I think that's okay. Like I said in my self-acceptance post, I feel great almost all the time...but now, when I do have the occasional down day, it's magnified. Be it my pregnancy hormones, or just the fact that this time it isn't in my head, I am in fact getting bigger, it's rough. It's very back and forth. Some days I embrace it, I know how beautiful these changes are. On those other rare days it's a bit harder for me.

I wanted to write this so other pregnant women out there know that it's OKAY to not feel super ecstatic all of the time about all of these bodily changes. It seems almost a given that you wouldn't! It's hard. I'm lucky to have a very great support system of my Mom, Autumn, and my dear friends Erin and Emily who are Moms, or in Erin's case, are pregnant right along with me. My Mommy friends were always in fantastic shape before the baby, and made working out a large priority. Now, they are back in great shape and dealt with similar thoughts while getting used to their ever-changing bodies during pregnancy. It's so amazing to be able to talk openly about such a taboo subject with them (believe me, most people do NOT want to hear "I feel SO fat" from a pregnant woman), and have so many shared experiences to draw from.

So that's where I ask you mamas out there, did you ever have any body issues while pregnant? How did you handle them?

I feel my BEST when I'm eating super healthy and working out, pregnant or not, so I obviously have continued to do so. I've found that I've been feeling a lot better lately when I get my regular workouts in (lower-intensity of course) and incorporate some pregnancy-friendly relaxation things like yoga in there. When I feel like I'm doing my best to be healthy for the baby I'm the happiest, and on those rare days I feel off, it's easier to come back to reality. My worst was probably in the beginning. It was a mix of new hormones, a rush of all sorts of things going on in my body, and I just felt totally out of whack. Lately I've been feeling great. I'm embracing that my body is changing, and I'm excited to have a big belly and actually look pregnant. I'm in a good place. :)

I love open, honest dialogue and it's nice to have a place like this where I can share my feelings openly. Thanks again for reading and I look forward to reading what you have to say! xoxo

Mirror, mirror: self-acceptance

"At a certain part in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by, you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are. Especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, 'But I am this person.' And in that statement, in that correction, there will be a kind of love."

-Phoebe in Wonderland



Self-acceptance. I am 28 years old and I've only started to get there within the past few years, but let me tell you, it's a beautiful thing to even be on the road headed there. Some of you, like me, might be close, but not quite there yet, some of you might still be trying to figure out who you are in this great big world, and some of you may just be starting on that journey...but don't give up! Self-acceptance is an important part of growing as individuals, and once you get on the right track the universe is a smiling place. I definitely didn't always feel this way growing up, and I'm not fully 100% there yet, but I'm at a good place where I can look in the mirror and say, "hey, I like you!" and feel happy in my life. With that said, I wanted to share some of the lessons I've learned along this grateful path to self-acceptance, as I truly believe that each and every one of us is capable of getting there.

1) Treat yourself with respect. This is such an important one, and naturally the key component in accepting yourself. If you don't respect yourself, how can anyone else? I'm sure there is someone in your life that you love more than anything. Maybe it's your dog, your best friend, your mom, your partner...and if you think about how you treat this person, I'm sure it's with the utmost respect and love. You go out of your way to do nice things for them, call and check in to see how they're doing, and in the case of your pet, you take them out for exercise and give them treats. Now think about yourself- do you treat yourself with the same amount of kindness? Do you tell yourself "I love you"? Do you take a time out and check in with yourself to see how you're doing? Do you exercise your precious body and reward yourself with something you love for a job well done? It's important to look at the relationship you have with yourself and see if it measures up. You deserve me-time, you deserve to surround yourself with positive people who lift you up rather than break you down. When I think of self-respect, I think of it as looking at your body and your spirit as something sacred. I try to put the best fuel in my body in the form of food and drink, because I deserve it. I know how my body feels when I disrespect it with unhealthy food choices. I exercise because I am showing myself respect and it makes me happy to use my body in an active way. I surround myself with positive people who respect me, because I respect myself. I know that for some people it can be hard to see why they should respect themselves. Perhaps growing up someone told them they weren't worth much. But you ARE. You are so beautiful and unique, and you deserve the love that I know you are capable of giving yourself. Start there. Start by telling yourself how wonderful you think you are. Even if you don't yet believe it, you will soon. List all of your great qualities on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror. Go on a walk, eat healthy, be around other who respect themselves, and you! In time, you will start to see how fabulous you've always been.

2) Stop caring what other people think. If I can summarize one of the major lessons I've learned over the past few years, it's this. We get one life, once chance, one go round on this beautiful world. If you waste your precious time on what other people think, you will go crazy. Everyone always has an opinion. Not everyone will like you, not everyone will agree with you, and the sooner you accept this fact and move on with you life, you will be a lot happier. You need to do what makes your heart happy. You can keep people in consideration, but in the end, it's you you have to answer to. Perhaps you question a fun outfit you put together, maybe you want to make a new friend that you know your other friends won't approve of, let's say you're tempted to make a risky career move...there will be people that support you and people that don't. Always. You just have to make your own decisions, and truly give up what others think. If you live your life for others' approval or for the sake of impressing someone (or everyone), you will never be happy.

3) No one cares as much as you think they do! This goes hand in hand with number two. Even now, at the ripe old age of 28, there are times when I feel totally self-conscious. Let's say I have an event to go to, and I know I will be the only tattooed person there...I often have this five minute dialogue in my head where I have to tell myself that no one cares about my tattoos as much as I think they do. Although I love them so, so much, it can still be annoying and hard to be the only person in a room with visible tattoos. I've experience a lot of rudeness because of them, but ultimately no one cares as much as I think they do. The world does not revolve around me, there is no need to feel uncomfortable in my own skin due to anyone else. I'm sure you know the feeling, you wear something a little weird, maybe a headband that you feel self-conscious in, and all day long you feel like everyone is staring at you...well guess what? They're not! No one cares as much as we build them up to care in our minds.

4) See yourself through someone else's eyes. On the converse side of the last two points I've discussed, it is good to take a step back and see ourselves through the eyes of someone who loves us. When we are struggling to the see the purpose in everyday, when we find it hard to understand our place or our value, there is always someone in the world who finds us valuable. I'd say that my husband, Hank, has been one of the major reasons I've grown to really find my path to accepting myself. When I think about how he sees me, or even really try to see what he sees, I see someone beautiful, caring, and kind. On days when I feel downtrodden or depressed, I now know that it's just a passing mood, and I can remind myself that other people do NOT see me in this way. Take a step back and try and view yourself through the eyes of loving people in your life. The same examples I used above work great here: your pet, best friend, parent or partner. Gain perspective by stepping out of yourself, and more often than not you will be enlightened with how amazing people really think you are.

5) Focus on the positive. So many times I hear people compare themselves to others, "She is just so good at this or that, I could never do that." No? Well guess what- you're absolutely good at something else. Often we get so hung up on what we can't do, that we lose sight of what we can do. Perhaps you have a blog friend that is just amazing at crafts. She can sew, crochet, paint, you name it! You admire her work often, but sometimes you start to experience negative thoughts creeping up, telling you that you're not as good as her, you can't do the things she does. During times like this, stop the negative self talk immediately and remind yourself of all the things you are good at! Maybe you write well, you're a great guitar player, you bake with the best of them, or you can run 10 miles without getting winded. Perhaps you can sew or draw, you can find bargains like no one's business, or you are simply a friend to all. We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. You can work on your weaknesses, but always remember your strengths...and focus on the positive rather than obsessing over what you lack.

I have more things of this nature that I will continue to share as time goes on, but I wanted to share these five with you today. It's my hope that we as women can learn to LOVE ourselves, and begin to love each other more. Remember, we're all on this same journey. Showing love and compassion can be pivotal on someone else's path, and also your own. We all hurt, we're all growing, we're all learning. It's a beautiful thing to realize how universal our experiences really are. So with that, I hope all of you have a fantastic day! I LOVE YOU!

Wednesday thoughts

I look so creepy with my sunglasses on inside but in my defense we were just stepping out the door! haha.



Today is the start of my weekend and I couldn't be happier! I have just twelve more full days of school beginning Monday and then summer vacation is upon us! Hank and I are really happy about that! Today at work was pretty run of the mill. It's nice to begin wrapping up the year, getting final projects assigned and graded, and basically closing shop. It came to my attention today that some random students from the high school that I don't even know read my blog, so they knew of my pregnancy and informed some other students. Obviously my pregnancy isn't a secret, but I still find it a little weird and pretty creepy. Alas, this is indeed public so I can't complain but it's still annoying. It's things like this that make me consider making this blog private, and also feel glad I won't be a teacher in a small town for much longer.

More on work: I've been thinking a lot more about my job, and I realized that I don't really enjoy it anymore, to be quite honest. I find it really boring to teach the same thing, five times a day, and then repeat every year after that. I don't feel appreciated as a teacher, both as an employee, monetarily, but also in the community. With the recent events surrounding our state's budget crisis, cutbacks, and lay offs, it is definitely not a good time to be a teacher. I often try and see the good in what I do. I make positive posts, I talk about how much I enjoy working with kids...and I definitely do, but that is just a small part of the job. I do believe I was able to enjoy my job knowing that I was going to be stopping once we had children. Having a time stamp on it made it quite pleasant, because I knew it wasn't forever, I knew I wouldn't have to work until I was in my sixties and ready to retire. Now that it is coming to an end, I almost feel like my blinders are off in a way and there are days when I think that I'd prefer not to go back at all in the beginning of next year, as I'm planning to do. I know a lot of you are teachers-to-be, either studying education in college, or hoping to become a teacher one day, and this post is not meant to discourage. I just mean to convey that I don't believe it is for me anymore, and that I am quite ready to be done. I feel so fortunate that I was able to do something for five years that I typically enjoyed, and I got to affect kids' lives in a positive way. And who knows how I will feel if I do indeed follow through with my current decision to work the three months next year, and then leave. I'm sure I'll be sad. Since I've begun this blog though, and since I was in college, I've always discussed how optimistic I was about one day being a stay-at-home mom or housewife. That was my number one aspiration in life, and although some women find this to be "un-feminist," I feel that making this choice and furthermore having this choice, is quite feminist. My mama friends are split pretty evenly between working mothers and stay at home mothers. I respect both of these groups a lot. It's interesting to see already that people have such an opinion on working vs. stay at home parenting. I've been "publicly pregnant" for a few days now and I've already received way too much unsolicited, pushy, opinionated advice from people! It's insane.

In fact, today a woman at work mentioned that she heard a rumor that I was pregnant and then mentioned how I was "looking a lot thicker," "putting on a lot of fat," and was glad to know I was pregnant and wasn't just gaining tons of weight! What nerve, huh? I was blown away and when I mentioned this on Twitter, I was shocked to find that this is pretty common ground for pregnant women. Rude comments, unsolicited advice, etc. I guess I better prepare myself, huh? ;)

Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful day. But a good one. I came home and watched Rosemary's Baby. I love that movie so much, and Mia Farrow is just the prettiest thing. I adore her wardrobe in the movie and wish I could have it all! The rest of my night consists of the gym, then getting a good night's sleep! I'm exhausted.

On the pregnancy side of things, I am getting more and more ecstatic about this little darling baby that is getting bigger everyday. Tomorrow I will be heading into my 13th week and I couldn't be happier. I think it's the 13th. Tomorrow marks 12 weeks, so then the next week would be the 13th, counting up to next Thursday, right? I counted on my calendar this way and it seems right. It's just insane how fast the first 3 months went, and I can't even imagine how fast the next two trimesters will go. I've been feeling really, really great physically but still very up and down emotionally, as usual. Nothing too bad, but I get annoyed pretty easily and I would say my level of irritability is a lot higher. Sorry, Hank! haha. :)

In a couple of days, the baby should be the size of a peach!

Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords... savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy. (Much more convenient.)

This weekend should be fun! I'm spending a lot of it with Autumn and family, and also with my Mom for Mother's Day. I'm excited to have some down time at their house with no plans or places to be. Sometimes when I come to Phoenix I am totally overwhelmed with visiting people, making time for so many people that I love, that my "get away" turns into an exhausting weekend. And since I'm so tired now, I refuse to put myself in that position! Friday night will be a quiet night with my two very best friends and I couldn't be happier! I also really hope to see "Babies" this weekend- how adorable does that look!?

It's funny because my 10 year high school reunion is this Saturday, right down the street from my parents, and like I've written before, I have absolutely NO interest in going. In high school, you'd think I would have loved to attend since I was all about student council, activities, etc., but now, not so much. I despise small talk, and I can't even bear to think about doing so with so many people I haven't talked to in ten years! Talk about a nightmare! I definitely feel like I keep in touch with the people I'd like to keep in touch with, and I definitely don't need to spend $100 to reconnect with people I'd rather not reconnect with. I know that might sound kind of harsh, but I really feel that high school was high school, and now is now. I don't need to relive or rehash old memories. I make new memories with a few people I still hang out with, and through those times I can remember the old. So yes, I will definitely be skipping it on Saturday...even though I was part of the planning committee! haha. Oh well.

I also can't even explain how happy I am to feel motivated to blog again. I think it has a lot to do with keeping the biggest excitement and such a huge part of my life a secret for awhile! Now that I'm able to discuss being pregnant, I feel happier about typing all of this out. I've also been getting a lot of friend requests on Facebook from blog readers, and also messages asking me why I deleted them. You have to understand that I need a level of privacy in my life, something that isn't for all the world to see, and I am using that venue for that purpose. If you add me, I will deny the request, and it's nothing personal, but I am keeping it to people I know in real life. I will continue to blog here, and I also have a public Twitter you are welcome to follow! :)

OH OH! I also made a little poll up there in the right hand corner about the gender of little baby Hampton! I'd love it if you voted.

And one more thing, my friend Ashley is hosting a really fun event this Saturday to celebrate the grand opening of her new shop downtown. Unfortunately I am unable to attend but I thought I would pass along the information to any of you Phoenix locals.

The shop is located at 908 N. 6th St. Phoenix, AZ 85004 :)

Housed within Butter Toast Boutique, Merry May Handmade offers craft supplies and classes, handmade goods, and vintage knick-nacks. We strive to foster the growth of the modern craft movement in Phoenix by spreading our love of all things handmade, promoting crafters who are making an impact on the DIY revlution and making a difference in our world, and showing folks how rewarding it is to create something from nothing.

Come to the party to see what is in store!! We will have live music, craft fair, a bake sale, and MORE! Not to mention some awesome sales on Butter Toast merchandise--50% off all Sale items, 30% off all Winter items, and 10% off all the rest!

Live Music includes...

John Rhodes (acoustic) - 2pm
Jordan Warner (acoustic) - 3pm
Matthew Gilbert TBA
Brenden Cottrell (acoustic) - 5pm
Zach - 6pm
POEM -7pm
GHOST - 8pm
DJ Kyle Simone - 9pm

Let me know if you decide to stop by, and be sure to say hi to Ashley for me!

Have a great night. I'll leave you with some photos from Autumn's house last weekend! :)

Chloe and her lollipop from Uncle Hank


baby Carter!

Thank you.

(image via weheartit)

Wow. Thank you all so much for all of your amazingly kind, constructive, thoughtful comments on my post regarding this blog. I was incredibly touched to hear from so many of you, and it was comforting to know I am not alone in those thoughts and feelings. I didn't intend for it to turn into a place for all of you to tell me how much you enjoy my writing or this blog, but many of you did just that, and I appreciate your unexpected compliments a lot. It's amazing to me to know I affect peoples' lives who I don't even know- it's humbling and also makes me feel quite responsible. And not in a bad, obligatory way at all.

Thank you. I took each comment to heart.

There is NO way I can imagine stopping blogging. I enjoy it way too much, and I believe it was my friend Jessica who said sometime on her blog about how it was the cheapest form of therapy there is. I have to agree. When I don't blog, when I don't get my thoughts out in some tangible form, I can feel them building up with no where to go. I think that my problem was that I was allowing things that I view as less important to take importance on this blog. And even if you couldn't see this as readers, I could feel it. If you know me personally, you know that I love clothing. I love handbags, shoes, all things girly. But by no means do those things DEFINE me. I began to feel uncomfortable when I felt like I was indeed defining myself by these things on this blog. I love outfit posts as much as the next person, but I feel most proud of this blog when I share stories, personal accounts, and all of the thoughts and feelings going on in my head. When I left Livejournal after almost eight years of documenting my life, I left behind a lot of thoughts, writings, and a huge creative outlet. Moving forward in this blog, I am going to try and focus more on those things. And sure, I will definitely still post photos of outfits or things of that nature, but I just want to be a bit more aware of making sure I am doing this for ME, and not just to put some cute outfit out there for the world to see for whatever reason. And I understand that blogs are inherently narcissistic in a way, but in the end, someone must click on a link to arrive here. Sure it's about me, but it's not like a social networking site where you see my information daily on a news feed. You must seek this place out to arrive here. When I arrived at this thought, it put a lot into perspective for me. I should absolutely continue writing for me, and as always, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it. I often fear that blogging is too "me me me," but that's really just worrying what people think, as hard as it is to admit. I'd love to think I don't care about that, and typically I truly feel that I don't, but through my apparent reluctance to appear a certain way, I came to the realization that some part of me felt insecure about how I was perceived. This in itself made me uncomfortable and in a way, I blamed the blog for bringing those negative feelings into my mind. I never think things like that, I go about my business, and my typical attitude is "take me or leave me, but I am me" ...but somewhere along the line I must have conjured up some imaginary jury sitting there saying how ridiculous this all was, how self-centered, etc. And like in real life, we all do have people who judge us and think whatever they please. But I don't have to worry about that, or waste any of my positive energy on those thoughts. Like I said above, someone must arrive here, seek me out, to read what I say. Because of that, if someone wants to read it, it is their choice, I'm not forcing some narcissistic slew of myself on anyone. There is no need to feel insecure. My life is changing at a rapid rate, in an amazing way, and with this change I've been thinking a lot about my life, and I'm sure that's where this initial internal dialogue came from. With that comes the subject of feeling an invasion of privacy through this space on the internet. I realized that that emotion wasn't completely about this blog, but it was my overall accessibility online. I have a public blog, a public Twitter, public Flickr, and a Facebook where I accepted all blog readers' friend requests. Last night I went through and deleted any people from Facebook who weren't my "real life" friends, and I felt immediately better. Because I do make my life public, I need to have some level of privacy, and once I did that, this blog wasn't a worry to me at all. Blogs should be a public thing, but in my opinion, having an open Facebook was too far and made me uncomfortable.

So yes, I am absolutely going to continue blogging here. I would miss it way too much, and I know I would deeply regret not continuing this documentation I began in 1999. I love that my children will one day be able to read this, and I relish being able to skim over years of my life on this screen. I'm sure to the naked eye not much will change as far as overall content, but to me, my thought process has made a world of difference.

Thank you SO much again, each and every one of you for being a part of my life via this blog. And thanks for listening to this long ramble of an entry. Rereading it, it makes sense to me, and I hope it made some sort of sense to you, too.

Have a wonderful night!

All my love. :)

Age of technology

Being a high school teacher, I am always surrounded by teenagers. I know what they like, what they're into, and what's "cool." I've been a high school teacher since the ripe age of 23, so when I started this career, I had been out of high school for just a short five years, allowing me to really remember what it was like "back then," and make a lot of comparisons. I often think about how different teenagers' lives are from the life I led in the nineties. It's safe to say that my age group (I am currently 27) is probably the last generation to ever really know life without the internet, cellphones, and social media being a huge presence.

A number of my earliest memories involve the computer and large floppy disks- I used to play a game called "Sticky Bear" on my parents' old, old Macintosh computer in the downstairs office. My sister and I would spend hours playing word games, matching games, drawing games...it was awesome. We would use the banner program on Print Shop to print out "Happy Birthday" and "Welcome Home!" announcements on that noisy printer, tearing off the perforated border before we hung them up. We would pore over the borders and graphics to choose just the right ones to express our sentiments. At school, Oregon Trail days were some of the best days- I can recall counting down all week until we got into the computer lab, and got to stock our wagons, hunt buffalo, and avoid imminent death along the dusty path headed West.

As we got a little older, America Online soon became a part of our world. I remember sitting at the computer, waiting for our dial-up modem to loudly and slowly connect, anxiously hoping for the "you've got mail!" announcement. I loved it. I was a total internet nerd- getting into chat rooms and asking, A/S/L, talking to people all over the world, which, looking back, was totally inappropriate for my young self. But whatever, nothing bad every happened. That was the extent of it though- occasional chatting with strangers, possibly sending instant messages with my contacts of they were online. It didn't consume me, and it hadn't consumed the world, yet.

In junior high and high school, my friends and I all had pagers. Mine was a sky-blue Motorola model, and my pager code was "15." Yes, I had a pager code. My best friend Ryan would page me before he went to bed at night with "233," which was our code for BFF, and I think there were many occasions where a boy I was hanging out with would page me in the middle of the night, and I would sneak into the kitchen, grab the portable phone, and sneak back into bed. I can't imagine growing up without the thrill of coming home and asking my Mom if I had any messages- if "he" had called, if my girl friends had called and left details for their party on Friday. Friends who had "their own lines," were the coolest of the cool, and busy signals were the most annoying thing, ever. My late night talk buddies and I even had a system where one of us would page the other, and the other person would call up a business number and wait for the call waiting beep, so the ring wouldn't wake up sleeping parents at 1am. Yearbooks were a big deal- when you wrote your home number in someone's book you could have that anticipation for the entire summer that the cute boy from 5th period might call. There was no instant gratification, no text messaging, no social media. It was old fashioned, a "let's have an awkward conversation on the phone and get to know you better" kinda thing. It was three-way calling with your best friends, and making silly answering machine greetings with your family. It was writing numbers on hands in pens, rather than punching it into your address book. We didn't change our Myspace page to reflect our ever-changing teen identities, we didn't snap photos with our digital cameras and phones constantly. The internet held no importance in our lives. When we had to research something for school, we'd use real books, or maybe Encarta. When we had a crush, we'd have a friend call the boy on his house phone, telling him how we felt, while listening on the extension. We weren't up to the minute with Facebook updates, we didn't tweet, and we wrote real letters that we passed between classes.

I can't imagine growing up in a world where for many young people, the focus is not so much on life, but on the internet. Later on in college, sites like Friendster were popularized, but because digital cameras still weren't a big deal, social media didn't quite take off. We engaged in these things, but they didn't consume us. In fact, cell phones weren't a huge thing for us until about half way through college, and even then, texting wasn't hugely important or relied on. Although I am a huge proponent of social media sites- blogger and twitter namely, I am so happy those things weren't around as I was growing up and figuring out who I was. I loved that I was able to be a kid without a machine and the entire world at my fingertips twenty-four hours a day. Conversely, as an adult, I love it. I've met some amazing people through the online world, both from my livejournal experience dating back to the late nineties, and now, the blog world. It's amazing to meet others with similar interests, and it's comforting to hear "me toos" from hundreds of people when the going gets tough. But as a young kid, when you're building the foundation if who you are, and who you're going to be, I think it's important to find strength from yourself and in your "real life" world.

So with all of this said, what was your internet/social media experience growing up? How old are you, and when did you start using the internet? When did it take over a bigger part of your life, if ever? What are some of your earliest memories in regards to computers? I'm so curious to see if my experience is shared, or isolated. I look forward to reading what you have to say!

Love you all :)

My life as an English teacher- how I got here

Today, as my sophomore students were busy in the classroom, cutting out flashcards for their new vocabulary words, I took a step back. I stopped and I listened. I heard happy voices talking about all sorts of things, the cut cut cut of the cardstock, the scissors moving up and down, kids moving about the room. I took a moment and just looked around, took it all in. For some reason this moment in my class was perfection to me. As the kids worked, I thought about my profession. I thought about being in high school myself, and I thought about how interesting it was that I became a teacher.



Growing up, I was constantly in and out of my mother's classroom. She taught at a small school in the incredibly tight-knit artist community of Roosevelt, NJ. The school had one class per grade- K-8. There were probably 10-15 children per class, and some of my happiest memories are spending time in that school. Even though I enjoyed my time there so much, I never thought to myself that I would one day be a teacher myself. My Mom would repeatedly talk about how much she enjoyed her work, but would often tell my sister and I never to become teachers ourselves, as the pay was too low for the job at hand.

I made it through my junior high and high schools day successfully. I was the kind of person who really enjoyed my high school years- I was very social and had a great time. I didn't enjoy class though, and it was often a struggle for my parents to get me to do work- I was incredibly bored! If someone would have told me that I would be a teacher one day, I would have laughed. Even in college I didn't consider this idea. My freshman year at NAU I decided I wanted to be a number of things, and my major switched a couple of times. I started with Hotel and Restaurant Management. I thought this idea was fabulous, because what could be better than working at a tropical resort? That major and idea quickly failed when I had to take a course in hotel management, and was forced to clean the rooms and bathrooms of the campus's resident hotel. I walked out that day, disgusted. Because I've always had a love for computers and technology, the next logical major was computer programming. I took a few classes, predominately full of nerdy boys, and decided I was too personable for that profession. Looking back, I think I would have definitely been happy had I stuck to that. But alas, it wasn't for me. Next I dabbled in both psychology and economics before I finally went back to my true love, English. In high school, English was the only core subject I truly enjoyed and I'd always been a complete bookworm. Although English was my first choice of majors, I had originally shied away from choosing this path due to both my adviser and peers telling me this pick was a quick road to unemployment following graduation. I decided to give it a go anyway, and one semester in I couldn't get enough. I reveled in my surroundings- other literary nerds who found great pleasure in writing poetry, reading old books, and sitting around discussing contemporary fiction. It was a welcome break from the everyday life of a sorority girl, as cliche and silly as that may sound. I was hooked.

As the next three years went by, I fell deeper and deeper in love with all things English Literature. I took classes in everything from Rhetoric in Media to African American Literature. I learned so much. As my May 2004 graduation date loomed nearer, I began to weigh my options. I had decided my junior year that I wanted to become a lawyer, so my emphasis was in pre-law, and the LSATs were coming up. I had already decided though, that law wasn't a path I was ready to go down, so I was at a dead end of sorts. I knew that I loved writing, but I wasn't sure where exactly to get started in that field. I loved communication, but again, I wasn't sure what I could do with my Bachelor's of Arts in English.

It turned out that I decided to take some time and continue working for the company I had worked for for so long, and interviewed for a management position at the Aveda store in Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall. I got the job, and two weeks after graduation my best friends Autumn and Shirley moved down with me to Old Town Scottsdale, I began working. I liked my job. I had worked for Aveda for years and years prior to this, and I enjoyed the atmosphere and working in the field of beauty. I even toyed with the idea of making this my career. But no matter how much I enjoyed it, it just wasn't fulfilling a part of me, an intellectual part that felt silenced while working in the mall.

Around October I started to feel like maybe I wanted to become a high school teacher. I wasn't exactly sure where this thought came from- I didn't know any high school teachers my age, and I wasn't exactly sure what the road to becoming a teacher even entailed. Would I have to repeat another four years of undergraduate work to obtain an additional four year degree? While all this was going on, my feeling of idleness and my unhappiness with the retail world continued to grow. I applied for a large "grown-up" position at a large financial firm in Scottsdale to do website editing, and got the job.

Even though I was set to begin working in three weeks, I started looking into teaching and noticed that my alma mater, NAU, offered an accelerated graduate program in Phoenix where I could receive my Master's in Education while at the same time obtaining my teaching certification. Amazing. Unfortunately the next round of classes began shortly, so even though I sent in my application, I gave up hope I could begin in January. Surprisingly, a little less than three weeks later I received a call from graduate admissions informing me that I had, indeed, been accepted into the program, and my start date was the following Monday...the same day I was set to begin at the financial company. I immediately called them and informed them that I wasn't able to come into work on Monday, and set my heart on achieving this suddenly all-important goal. At the same time, I was so scared. I had just turned down an incredibly well-paying job to make a career out of something my mom had warned me about. Was I making a mistake?

Fear aside, I'll never forget when I walked into my very first graduate course. There was a woman up front- totally hip with her adorable haircut and fun outfit...and she was so positive and inspiring. From day one, this professor was a huge part of the reason I stuck with the program, and she really helped to mold me into the teacher I am now. With her help, graduate school flew by- it was an intense program, with classes lasting multiple hours many times per week. I even had to move back to Flagstaff for the summer to take a few courses. But surprisingly, I enjoyed it. I liked the idea that I would one day soon be up in front of my own class, sharing my thoughts about my favorite subject. I enjoyed having a light at the end of the tunnel- a tangible goal that got closer each day. I loved all of the classes we took on young adult fiction, lesson planning, technology in the classroom, you name it. The year continued on and before I knew it, it was time to student teach. By this point I had completed all of my graduate courses, besides my student teaching semester. Assuming that I made it through the next 16 weeks successfully, I would officially have a M.Ed. and a teaching certificate for the state of Arizona.

I had moved to Prescott from Scottsdale in the fall, during my previous semester. I had done my practicum (observation) unit at Prescott High, and decided to do my student teaching there as well. I was placed in the department head's classroom, and although I had met her before, I was still nervous about the entire thing. I had gone out on a limb moving up north during this time. There was only one high school in Prescott, and typically the school you student teach at is most apt to offer you a position following this time period. It was a gamble to be in a town with one possible job choice. What if I didn't like it? And more importantly, what if they didn't like me?

The first day of school I arrived in my mentor teacher's room. I was visibly shaking. Her first hour was seniors, and I was only 22- just four years older than them. I was petrified. All those eyes, staring at me. I was beet red from the moment I walked in the door- how on earth was I going to make these students, these people who felt like my peers, listen and respect me? What had I gotten myself into? In the confines of my graduate school courses, teaching didn't seem so scary. You present a lesson, you explain it, you answer questions. Done. No one ever mentioned the girl in the front of the room looking you up and down, or the boy in the back glaring at you, as if he was thinking, "who is this stranger?" I didn't have much time to ponder that though, because she put a vocabulary book in a my hand and said "they're all yours." I went blank for a minute, and I remember looking up and out at those 35 faces, panicked. Then my auto-pilot set in and I was somewhat okay. Now if you know anything about student teaching, you know that it's a process. You're supposed to observe for the first few weeks, ease into teaching maybe one class a day, and slowly add more. Not my experience. I was literally thrown into teaching on day one, and looking back, I am so thankful for this. Because it was so shocking, I had to immediately get over any and all fear I had. And trust me, I did. I was pushed head first intothe deep end...off the high dive. But by the end of the first week, I was feeling completely comfortable with the kids and loving it.

The semester went by quickly, and by the end of the 16 weeks I was actually sad to go. On my last day, the principal called me into her office. She told me that she was impressed with my progress, and offered me a teaching position for the next year. It's safe to say I was ecstatic. I had fallen in love with the school, and I couldn't imagine working anywhere else. I also enjoyed the idea that Hank had gone there years before, and his parents too. I had found my place.

I was on cloud nine. I had never liked to work but I had actually found a job that I didn't dread going to each day. Aveda was fun, but it was retail, and the negatives far outweighed the positives for me. Towards the end of May, it was my time to graduate. I had surprised myself- I was 22 and graduating with my Master's degree. How did that happen? Being someone who, at the time, would often start projects and leave them unfinished, I felt so accomplished and grown up. It was a beautiful thing to feel so proud of something I had achieved. And it was even sweeter knowing that I had a job waiting for me.



Looking back on the road that brought me to my current place in life- more than a few years of teaching under my belt, happy in my job and school- I never would have guessed this for myself. I wake up most mornings excited to get there, happy to see the kids, looking forward to sharing something with them. Some days are harder than others, but like I said, most days are great. I never would have guessed that my procrastinating high school self would ever end up on the other side of the podium. But here I am. In my opinion, teaching is the most important job in the world. Every year, I get over 150 new students. When you think about the simple magnitude of the possibilities involved in that, it's dizzying. I have the opportunity to shape these little minds into something more than they walked in with. I am able to share stories and poetry, music and novels, anything and everything full of art and language and knowledge. I get to make non-readers into book lovers. I am an advice-giver, role model, and a smile. My mood directly affects my classroom, and in turn affects my students. Each day I get up in front of my kids I have a chance to positively impact each and every one of those children.

At times teaching can be difficult. I find most "out of class" tasks to be the most tedious and stressful. The paperwork, the meetings, the goals, the mandatory lesson plans...all of these things are my least favorite. My most favorite are the kids. I can't go an entire hour without laughing, and to be able to describe my day in such a way is awesome.

If you've ever thought about being a teacher, let me tell you- it's amazing. Not only do you get to enjoy a wonderful schedule, you also get to enjoy a career that is different each and every day. You get to choose an area that you love- for me, English- and share every little last bit of that with young people. What could be better?

I wrote this so I could always remember how I got to where I am today- and I thought I would share this post in case any of you were interested in the path I took to get here! I think it also serves as a reminder that if you want something, go get it! I look back at this time and I remember feeling so scared. What if I was making the wrong career choice? What if I hated it? I took the plunge though, and I can't tell you how right this all feels. I hope that if you're on the fence about something in your life, you find the strength to just go for it. Whether it be a career, a move, a choice, anything...summon up that strong part of you that is always there waiting, and allow yourself to take a chance. Although teaching isn't a dangerous profession, I was incredibly scared about taking those first steps. But I did, and I couldn't be happier. It's also interesting to note that my younger sister became a teacher as well, so we both get to share in the awesome-ness that is teaching. I love that we are able to have this experience together- and it's neat that teaching has become a bit of a family affair for us!

Someday soon I will talk more about my experiences in the classroom and what an average day is like, and some of the daily trials and triumphs I go through, as they are definitely noteworthy. So stayed tuned for that.

And now I'm curious- are any of you teachers or aspiring teachers? Did you always know you wanted to be one? I'd love to hear about your experience, so please feel free to share in the comments!

And as always, thank you so much for reading! I love you guys. :)

Cheers,

Here's to all the wonderful people in my life -

some of you I've known for a long time, and we may not talk often,
some of you I've only met in the past couple of years,
some of you are in my daily life,

but all of you hold a special place in my heart. Cliche or not, it's true. Life happens, people drift apart and come back together. I firmly believe that everyone in my life is there for a reason, and everyone who has gone out of my life has gone that way for a reason too. I don't ever have hard feelings over stuff like that, maybe that's weird. Two of my dearest girlfriends and I spent years apart from each other, due to various reasons, a small fallout with one of them, but we've "rekindled" our friendship flames with each other over the past year or two. I've spent time across the country, visiting one of them, and the other I see on a pretty regular basis in both Prescott and Phoenix; she makes the most amazing effort to come visit Hank and me. People come and people go. If I would have just closed the door on those seemingly "lost" friendships, I wouldn't have the opportunity to have my life enriched so deeply by these amazing women. In both situations both myself and my friend could be held accountable for the drifting. But even if I love a friend so much, if I'm the only one making the effort I don't take it personally, because I've been there too. People are busy, people's priorities change, people go through things, and I'm not so self-centered as to think anyone in my life revolves around ME (besides my husband of course, haha!). I do understand though, that as adults, friendships take work. But with that said, I feel like friendships shouldn't be terribly hard- I feel like if people want to keep in touch, they will. It shouldn't be a chore, or a struggle. And when it becomes that, on either side, I feel like that's just the way it goes. If someone drifts from me, or me from them, I feel like that's life and I don't get upset about it, I simply accept it, and have faith that if someone is supposed to be in my life it will be that way, and if not, it won't. I have many friends in my life who I don't get to talk to regularly but it feels as if nothing ever changes- no resentment, no negativity. As adults, it's not realistic to expect others to have time to sit down and chat for hours, or sometimes even minutes. Luckily one of my best friends, Autumn, and I make time throughout the week for good solid hour-long chats. But that's us, and the only one of my friends I do this with, outside of my Mom. She's a stay at home Mama herself, so our schedules are able to work well together and throughout our long friendship we've always made the time. Another one of my oldest friends, Melissa, is a server at a super busy bar in Phoenix, and her schedule is opposite of mine, so we usually have to schedule phone calls in advance on her one day off if we want to talk at all. Amber and I talk every single day, all day, via blackberry messenger, and although we don't usually talk on the phone all of the time, we always know what the other is up to. It's not perfect, but we make it work. And I know when I do talk to any of the people I am closest to, it's as if no time has passed, and I know we'd be there for each other through anything. And to me, that is being an adult. We have husbands or boyfriends, children and pets, careers and college, meals to make, working out to do, reading, sleeping, me-time, date nights, LIFE. The older I get, and the more I look back at my life, I know that in my past I have been both inconsiderate and flaky. And very much so, to the point of losing friends. In fact, a majority of my late teens and into college was spent being a great friend to my friends immediately around me, but having issues keeping in touch with other friends who weren't in my day to day life. It's just what I was like. I accept it now, it doesn't bother me, and the friends who I've been close with through that entire time are still here, over a decade later. Luckily, now, it's gotten a bit easier to make the effort- it's fun to mail letters, email, call, etc, and stay in touch with the people I care about. I'm definitely not great at it, and if I get even a little bit sad, I will retract into myself for awhile. And I love that the few girls I am close with understand this about me and can accept that. As far as others go, I never expect anything. I'll call or write a few times, and if I don't hear back, no big deal. The small group of friends I've cultivated get unconditional love from me, no matter what. It's comforting to know we do the best we can, and there's no games and shittiness and resentment. I'm not really sure where this post came from, but for some reason I've really been feeling very appreciative of life lately and reflecting on all of the people in it, now and then, near and far. I started thinking about all of these different friends and just started typing, not knowing where this was going...and this is what came out. I have to say, one advantage to blogging is being able to just empty out my entire head onto this computer screen and having the satisfaction of having it here to look back on. I love it. At the same time though, it is kind of unnerving to know every word I say is being perceived in different ways by different people. Oh, how I wish I could see myself from a different perspective. Wouldn't that be a gift?

So, do you have friends who live far away? How often do you talk to them? Have you ever "lost" a friend and then rekindled that friendship?

Happy Tuesday :).

The forks in the road...

Isn't it weird to think about all the other "lives" you could have led? I thought about this a little on the way home from Lake Powell today (vacation blog/photos later) and I got to thinking about all of the little points in my life where something changed, I made a big decision, or picked a fork in the road and left behind another.

Passing through Flagstaff today on our way home from the lake, I was reminded of so many memories that took place during my college years there. I went straight up to NAU in 2000, just a couple of months after graduating high school. I roomed with one of my close friends at the time and ended up being in the same dorm as some of my other good friends. I had gone to junior high and high school with one of the girls, and played club soccer with the other two for the same amount of time. When we began college we were all inseparable, and when I joined a sorority that first semester I widened my social circle and met my soon-to-be best friends, Autumn and Shirley. Sometimes I think about what a change Pi Phi made in my life. I often wonder if one of my girlfriends had rushed Pi Phi rather than Chi O as she did, if we would have remained close, and if I wouldn't have rushed at all, if I would have stayed close with that group of friends. But sure enough, I drifted apart from them as the next two years went by, and when sophomore year rolled around I had moved into my sorority's wing at Mountain View. There were many other things that went on that caused the degradation of my friendship with those three girls, but I do feel that making the choice to join a sorority (something they were not into), started the wheels in motion for the eventual disintegration of those friendships. So on our drive I thought about those old friends, I thought about meeting the two girls who became my sisters and closest friends, and still are. I thought about all the things I have gone through with Autumn and Shirley, all the things I may have never experienced had I not rushed Pi Phi. I thought about old boyfriends, and choices made in relation to them. In about 2003 I thought I was in "love" with a particular boyfriend of mine, and we ended up spending a tumultuous spring, summer and fall together, in the way that only two people can who are young with not a care in the world can, loving and fighting and fighting and loving. We were very different, and at the time I did feel I was in love, in retrospect absolutely not, but back then, it was a special time for me. Before we had met, he had already made the decision to move across the country to pursue an opportunity and I had known this going in. In the back of my mind I had thought I could somehow make him "want" to stay, but when he ended up actually leaving, I felt my heart was broken and could never be whole again. In my silly, naive mind, I thought he must be the one for me. So we tried to make it work, and it definitely did not work, whatsoever. I think back to that time, thinking how ridiculously I wanted to make something out of nothing, thinking about how I could have made a stupid move across the country for an idea that did not add up in real life, thinking about how different my life may have been. On my drive I thought about being at my friend's house, and this friend inviting me outside to meet his friend Hank, and me declining, sitting inside the cool air conditioning rather than going outside to meet this friend of his. I thought about the feeling I got that I needed to go outside, and deciding to go out and introduce myself for the first time, to this guy named Hank. I thought about wanting to teach in Japan, about how I was all set to go, and then I met this guy named Hank, and two days after meeting him and talking to him for both days nonstop, I had a feeling I just shouldn't go, and canceled my interview at the Japanese embassy in Los Angeles. I thought about how I was hired to work at a large financial firm, doing web editing, but found out I was accepted into grad school the day before my first day of work, and never showed up, electing to instead get my teaching degree. I thought about my crazy decision to move to Prescott after just dating Hank for 11 months, thought about choosing to go to Moorea instead of Greece for our honeymoon, and learning of the bombing at the Greek airport the day we should have arrived.

In life we have hundreds of choice that lead up to where we are. Hank and I often discuss if we would have met if circumstances hadn't led us to each other. I wonder if I would have met my two best friends, had I not made one important decision. All of the other lives I could have led: unhappy in Florida, a non-sorority girl at NAU, cold in the AC at my friends house and never having met Hank, teaching English to Japanese children, working at a financial firm, never moving to Prescott and living in Scottsdale with the girls, never becoming a teacher. Where would my life be, who would I have met? It's such an insane concept and quite interesting to ponder as you look back on defining moments in your life. I am definitely happy with every single choice I have made, and it is definitely reassuring that even those decisions I felt were horribly bad or heart breaking at the time, led me to where I am now; happy and right where I should be.